So…I’m a father. I’ll take this moment to congratulate myself because we’re still here! I’m alive, my son is alive and healthy, he seems happy, and I am happy too. Had to fight tooth and nail just to get here, and admittedly so a majority of that fighting was internal. It feels like I’ve went to hell and back just to get where I’m at today. Was it worth it? Well I’m here so I can’t say no, but all that fighting could have been avoided had I just taken my balls out of my pocket and put them where they belong.
So anyway, if you’re in a similar situation then you know the mental instability that can be as a result of co-parenting. For a long time I wanted to blame Val (the mother of my child) for everything. I still want to blame her for being irresponsible, immature, young, a “victim”, etc…but I have accepted I cannot control or change her, nor is it my responsibility. I have come to understand that me staying in that mental state causes me to feel like her victim. So I’ve began recovering from that thanks to the people in my circle. One friend helped me to see that I was feeling as if everything depended on me, the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. I had been judging myself for not being enough, and judging Val for not being enough either. Then I was asked a question that radically changed my perspective.
The Question
“Who am I not allowing myself to be that I am meant to be?”
As coach Cam would say, “don’t give the podcast answer, let that question simmer a bit first. Put the ego aside and then answer it”. So what answer came up for me?
The Answer
Father.
Self Analysis
I was not allowing myself to be the father that I am meant to be. Why not? Because I was making it all about Val – blaming and judging her for not living up to my standards thus causing me a great deal of resentment towards her and restricting me from helping her.
In order for me to be the father I am meant to be, I need my son to be well taken care of. If his mother is in a constant state of stress and worry, is it my fault? No, but I haven’t made it better. Do I have the capacity to help her and change her situation to a more favorable one? I do. Was I doing that? No. Why not? Because I was judging an image of her. Whether that image was true or not, was the judgement towards it serving me well? No, in fact it was stressful and prohibited me from providing her any capacity to change. And this judgement caused me to react a certain way towards her, usually with negative and condescending undertones.
The Consequence
This put her in a negative mood thus producing a ripple effect that reached my son that I then blamed Val for. It’s a toxic, viscous and draining cycle that I no longer subscribe to.
New Identity
I am learning how to accept Val in her form. I can lead a horse to the water but I can’t make it drink. Rather than being a judge in her life, I can show her love and support…something she hasn’t received much of in her life. I want to live in harmony with the people around me. I’ve depended too much on the people around me to live in harmony with ME. The responsibility is not solely theirs. It’s mine too. Sure, there is a fine line so I don’t give tooooo much of myself to any one person or persons but that boundary will come in time.
How I’ve Made These Discoveries
Believe it or not, all of this self discovery has been a result of working in direct sales. I talk to so many people every month that I just began noticing patterns. Fluctuations in sales and performance would depend heavily on my mental status. If I was mentally thriving, it showed in my results. If I was in even a bit of mental turmoil, it would show in my results.
I’ve even seen it happen as quick as one day – I was mentally in turmoil, made no sales all day, had a mental breakthrough afterwards and flicked back into mental empowerment. Within an hour I had follow up sales from people that hadn’t bought the first time around.
Not going to go too deep into that. Sales shone a bright light on my life to help me determine why my state of mental empowerment was so volatile.
If you’re a single parent and want to get into (remote) sales then start by joining this FB group and please mention that IndiParent brought you there. It would mean the world to me.